The intercom system blasted out !!
“Moony you dip shit, what’s going on ?”
Carol was sounding just a little pissed, not drunk as some used to say, but angry as the older generation Americans used to drawl. She had good reason but Moony had yet to hear just what that reason was.
“We’ve had a message broadcast and we’ve loads of things to do – we have to wait another fifteen minutes for another, can you please get up here to the funnel.”
Many years ago they used to call this area the Bridge, but Mumblet decided that funnel suited its design mantra a bit better. The funnel was cylindrical, incredibly huge, white with splashes of light blue and was covered with that much equipment, they all fought for space.
The end result was the human inhabitants only had enough space to sit, and the walkway wide enough to get to this seated position. There were three seats, one for each human. The droidy things had a module of their own, they crammed them in like meat, 8 on top of each other and they voluntarily rotated the bottom position. A bit like like those wonderful old penguins on earth protecting them from the weather. Indeed some of the droids looked like penguins, fat, short stubby arms and longs legs ( instead of wings or claws ) and they had a predilection for fish paste. The more malodorous the better.
Ok, i’m here .. Stammered Carol.”
“Why do they have tasks for us ? we’re the forgotten space palace in the stars.”
She didn’t rate very highly on the Mumblet scale of valuable employees, she was two steps higher on the shitcan of the lowest register, but still higher than Moony.
“What do they want ?”
“Don’t worry i’ve scanned the last message for you, and here come the beeps of the follow up one now. It‘s from Trevor Nubleous again so it really must be important.”
Moony had no idea as to why he, Carol and the wanker were being given such seemingly important things to do, but as the wanker had been placed in the stretching chamber it all came down to captain Moony, fuck that sounded good, captain Moony. Yes sir captain Moony he broadcast to himself and in his latest tbaoo.com post.
The huge, planet sized blog audience of tbaoo had become used to Moony’s ramblings, seemingly honest, sneeringly cynical style. He had to continue in the vein that had developed over the 120 years. Go boldly as the star trek captains used to say with such bravado. Moony had no such bravado, but he did have the publish button.
Carol looked over the list that Moony had created for her and laughed at the chicken scrawl he’d inserted over the list. That was until she got to items 5 and 6.
“No fucking way” .. She screamed out loud.
Collect all of the indigenous population from the face of the planet.
Place them in the dna adjustment machine and select the long term storage mode.
Set coordinates for “trumular 7” where the fuck is that and how do i do that ?
Capture the previous captain – Robert walker and place him in the stretching chamber.
Have sex with any of the fertile female crew, our records show there is one left, designated as Carol. yahoo and yippee !!
Place the resulting “instant oen” into the storage tube and set for maturation. fantastic
note – under no circumstances are you to use the gestation machine. ? ?
Shave that ridiculous facial hair and have a haircut. still to do
Clean your cabin and remove all personal possessions. still to do
Be standing by and ready for further details which will be sent at 22.00 hours. waiting
This was not the courtship strategy Moony had planned for, it was forced upon him by Trevor. maybe his comments could have been a slight more subtle, but he was no good at being subtle. he was after all a little dim. keen, sometimes a little cowardly but dim.Deep down in the corridors, the eyes have it. they saw the crumbling beast come out from behind the panel from 78 angles. the beastly creature came out from it’s slumber, outwardly angry and seeking revenge, but it really only needed to evacuate it’s version of a bladder. it had been in a deep slumber for 40 years and really needed a relaxing wee like thing. there was so much waste built up inside this creature, folklore still talks of the force in which it’s evacuation pushed the space palace out of it’s balanced position in orbit. it was also very – very loud, the humans heard the waterfall sounds before they felt the jolt. all of the eyes looked away so there are no visual records, just the richter scale, yes it was still used, but not normally utilised to record the shock waves of a creature weeing for 20 minutes. Once the ship had interrogated this huge amount of wee like liquid and determined that it was unnecessary, it got rid of it.
The ship then turned on the creature. in a voice not unlike Michael Jackson from the 20th century, it asked:
“Who are you ?”
“What are you doing here ?”
“Are there any other waste actions you’re likely to take soon ?”
“What are your intentions ?”
“Do you know why i speak in such a child like girly voice ?” .. it asked that one to everyone it questioned.
The creature was at a disadvantage, it couldn’t speak and could only grunt a guttural groan in response. the real reason for the visit would become clear when a small block of computer chips in the shape of a banana squeezed out from it’s underarm. the eyes saw it, the ship heard it and being immediately satisfied, let the creature on it’s preordained way. it’s way was going to be the real way, the Mumblet way and therefore the only way.
Robert the wanker suddenly opened his eyes, farted and heard the stretching machine speak to him, just to him and none-one else. it warned him of the creature’s arrival and observed in quite glowing terms that Robert had never looked better. Robert’s predilection of having sex with a varied assortment of machines might actually do him good in this very frightening time.
The time was 22.00.
22.00 is here and the message beeping had intensified as the time got closer and so did Moony’s heartbeat, as Carol gently snuggled up close to read the screen. She smelt kinda funny but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was.
“Attention employees Brown and Schubert … your lives are in danger.”“You must retreat to the smouldering module and get on with the breeding.”
“Hide there until you hear the all clear alarm sound off.”
“Go there now and don’t look down or travel along corridors seven through to eighteen.”
“When the all clear alarm has run it’s pentatonic scale, bring your stupid assess up to the funnel and ensure the course is set for trumular 7. Make sure you’ve completed the other items on the list.”
“Brown – when the breeding has finished, don’t forget the clean up and shave – see items 8 & 9.”
“Schubert – make sure you access the correct storage tube and maturation settings, the company’s future depends on it.”
Wow, why would an instant oen from our loins be some sort a hero for the shity company ?
Moony wondered himself what the fuck that last bit of the message meant .. I don’t know, it’s very strange, this whole space palace in the stars trip. Remember – the Palace was only supposed to be orbiting Mars, it wasn’t supposed to be sent so far out and for so long.
He was rather excited about the breeding part so he simply mumbled … let’s go, let’s get funky, how the hell are we going to avoid corridor nine ?
What the dog man Trevor didn’t realise when he set all this up, is that the palace was at this moment in a state of repair and remodelling, from the inside out. Corridor nine was the only access open to Carol and Moony. They had to be very quick and as it turned out very lucky to get to the funky sweaty part.
The creature having had relieved itself was stalking the corridors seven through to eighteen. It was looking for the small plastic nano film that Trevor had left for it all those years ago. This strip would allow it to control the palace and divert it to trumular 7 if the stupid employees failed or in the case of their ultimate demise, take care of instead of. The creature who was called Kevin by it’s creators, only had one mission and could or would not let any one or thing, get in it’s way. Find the film, get it to the funnel and place it onto the navigation screen.
The organic nano bits would do the rest and set the coordinates if indeed they weren’t already. Kevin did wonder though why it was necessary to be so freak’n big and scary when all it had to do was walk a few hundred meters and to accomplish this simple task. Kevin nearly didn’t notice the distraction even when it became one.
The other thing that Trevor hadn’t thought or realised could happen, was that the ship had developed a bit of a quirk and decided that like “al” from that very famous old classic film 2001 space odyssey, it was aiming to control itself according to it’s understanding of the rules. Head scientist Carol Schubert and the now designated captain Moony brown were tolerable but the palace was very glad the wanker Robert was now under it’s control ( or so it thought ) in the stretching chamber. Suddenly it sensed a large unwanted presence lurking along corridor nine.
Carol had grabbed her feminine needs, Moony grabbed some wine and a towel and off they went down corridor nine. All was going along very nicely until they saw the corridor doors collide into the bulk heads at an alarming rate, faster then they could ever hope to get through them .. Bang, whish, bang, whish, bang and on it went all the way down for as far as they could see.
They only had to get to the smouldering module and it was two bulk heads away. At only one bulk head away, a bulk of a slimy hairy and angry mass appeared from the side tube and it looked pissed. It was oblivious to them as it walked into the corridor and seemed to be meandering with a mission to the furthest point.
“Will we make it to bulk head five without it seeing us ?”
“I hope so, please keep you voice down, it might have ears… or something like them to hear us.”
“Don’t tell me to be quite you big knob who blogs, we have to try and sneak into the module.”
They managed to make it to the door mechanism just as Kevin turned around, they didn’t know he was called Kevin, hey they didn’t even know he was a he. They didn’t care about such things as the whish and bang managed to occur in the nick of time, just as Kevin lunged at them a second or two too late. The plan Trevor had planned had a flaw or three – the repairs, the crew being alive and that Kevin had woken a bit too early .. Even Trevor would learn to realise that needing a wee in the morning is enough to get anything out of it’s pit.
They were in … let the sex begin.