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Red Beards in the News

Lisa sat back and watched the bullshit that surrounded her. Such as neighbours that don’t know each other, mostly because they don’t want to. The need to do so had long gone. Like workmates that struggled to discuss anything other that the day’s events, due to a change in accepted workplace talking points. Or that they didn’t want to. After all the only thing they had in common, was a strong dislike of their boss. Only the level of dislike differed. 

Their boss was a shit. A little scoured out bucket of piss, lined with slime, desperately angry and loud and very often very wrong. Lisa thought the little shit was wrong all the time, but she really had it in for the old fucker. His name is Barry and he ruled the workplace like a confused, headless chicken. Screaming nonsense and demanding outcomes that weren’t able to be met. His view of the world was also a very confused mix of tabloid Tv, Murdoch press and gossip normally started with the phrase .. “Apparently, People say or Did you hear about” ….blah blah” Of course 99% of this was complete bullshit, slanted by the political agenda of those sprouting it. Lisa often watched this bullshit, and zoomed through it on the net. She enjoyed sneering and laughing at such idiocy. She also liked to dislike her little puss filled boss.

Today though she was extra concerned. Lisa was not sneering or laughing, she was concerned. It was becoming so widespread this silliness that even the anti vaccination brigade were frightened enough to do something to deter such nonsense. The media, pub and hairdresser conversation had blown up big time with the newest scare.

Men sporting orange beards had been found to be mad as hell, gun toting, frenzied slaughterers of innocent school children. This was because another school in America ( home of one small part of the second amendment nut jobs ) had succumb to the lunacy of an orange bearded gunman. He had wandered into the school, shot 19 people, 14 of which were children under the age of 10. The fucker had decided that America needed a wake up call. A call to action to prepare for the unwanted rise of the Federal Government and that brown, foreign born bastard in the White House. He was a proud member of “Fucknuts for America” and wanted to show the rest of the godly Christian folk in America that this heathen would be the ruination of the nation.

Lisa didn’t have an orange beard. None of her friends did either. The cool tattooed hipster dude at the local cafe didn’t, but he did have a well groomed hipster beard that many a young woman found attractive. So did Lisa until she got a few of his brown beard hairs in her Chai Latte. He’d spelt her name right, but shared a bit too much of his personality for her liking. So what was Lisa going to think about this latest threat. Orange bearded men aren’t to be trusted, they must all be gun firing maniacs. At least that was the vibe from the bullshit media.

It turned out that Lisa’s dad was rather hirsute and enjoying his holidays in Spain. Silly old duffer hadn’t bothered to keep up with the current scare campaign and blissfully let his hair grow while travelling about the Costa Del Sol. His new squeeze Anne was a glamorous retiree worth a shit load and they both enjoyed the 5 star back packing trip they’d purchased. 5 star in that the accommodation was 5 star but they’d slum down to eat at crappy $1 tapas food outlets and get gloriously pissed on cheap sangria and too many shots of vodka. Mark didn’t even know what happened, even after if did.

Anne was in the ladies prepping for love. Mark sat crumpled and pissed in the shadows offered by the front of the bar, when the Police arrived. The Police were an avid audience of the scare campaign and had taken it to heart. They’d arrested 3 red bearded buggers already and here was a soft target right in front of them. Drunk and disorderly ( well he wasn’t very orderly – he was near unconscious ) and he looked like he was up to no good. Mark woke in the cell with the 3 other red bearded boys and farted. That open relaxed awakening moment broke the ice and all 4 laughed at this ridiculous situation they found themselves in. The relaxed farting flowed within it.

Lisa was advised by the local Murdoch rag that her father was arrested in Spain for being a crazed drunkard, gun toting nutcase. The paper assured her that this was in fact the truth of the matter. Of course Mark was released as soon as he spoke to a representative of the the English Consultant, a very large rugby playing man called Robert. He was Scottish and sported the largest red beard any sane person had ever seen. Robert managed to arrange for the release and removal of all charges against the 4 bearded boys that day. Mark was driven back to the 5 star accommodation by the ever alert Police. He and Anne packed and limo’d straight to the airport. They flew home as quickly as they could. Not before he shaved of course.

Lisa was horrified. She watched her neighbours, scanned the internet and turned on the ranting shit that was Fox News. The floating banner screamed,”red bearded scare intensifies” … “a red bearded man was arrested in Spain but had escaped custody”…”He was believed to be headed to Turkey and seeking asylum.”

Mark and Anne had landed in Heathrow without a hiccup and were headed home when they were chased by some crazed lunatic on a moped. This rat bag was trying to take photos of them as they negotiated the morning’s traffic. The pretext for this idiocy was that Anne had apparently smuggled a giraffe from Somalia and was going to have it set up in her private zoo at home in Surrey. She lived in Kensington, didn’t have a yard, a zoo or a giraffe.

Lisa sat back again and watched the newest bullshit. All it proved was that you can’t believe a fucking thing you read, hear or see. The news isn’t news anymore. It’s propaganda, advertising, marketing and of course just plain old bullshit.

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