Incredibly he had nothing to say. His normally glib, cynically sharp and sometimes rude response was nowhere to be heard. This was rather odd as he’d managed to upset more than a few people over the years and used to delight in doing so. He sat there wondering about his yearning for a glamorous lifestyle and that it seemed to be crashing down into a big fat “less than glamorous” one.
He couldn’t quite understand why. He’d tried his best to be something he’d be proud of but he’d always managed to fall short. He could be quick and bite back at you with an insult, although not as clever as a drag queen’s comeback, but reasonably sharp nonetheless.
He sat there and decided. He’d run for a political office. He’d compromise his integrity, refocus his moral compass and adapt his public view on life’s key points. Points such as tolerance, respect, women’s rights, lgbt rights and his basic honesty settings, he’ll become a politician.
The trick is to pick the right party, not the one closest to his ideals ( there isn’t one ), but the one most likely to win the next election. It’s a process of preselection. The party argues amongst itself to select the local candidate for each electorate. He’ll have to muscle his way into being the pick for the sure fire winning side. It’ll be a walk in the park, a bunch of old knobs will be easily conned. I mean the fact that they think they’re something special proves they are deluded. They do run things, but these things are so complicated, they’re too busy arguing amongst themselves to achieve any real outcomes.
So he decided to go with the conservatives and in Australia they are called the Liberals, part of a collation with some Country Bumpkin folks. It will be a battle between him and two others; the local retired business man who’s a failed local newsagent and a nightclub dancer who’s also trying her luck. The difference between this cross section of society is that our man can talk, he can turn on the charm and the bullshit when it’s required and the preselection process needed loads of it. The closest our man came to not being preselected was during the final reference check and suitability interviews.
The past life of an interesting life can cause some headaches for those party’s that are seeking the dullest and dumbest of them all. The colourful history, past lovers and crazed situations were all covered and dismissed as he regaled these seemingly minor events. He got in. The failed newsagent bought a failed cafe that ended up failing again, while the nightclub dancer joined a church and became a lay preacher, she was confused a bit by the title at first, but decided to go ahead with the training after all. Her sermons were very popular.
So here he was, primed, selected and on the ballot paper. He was a “shoe in” and won by a landslide. Victory was sweet. He was a Member of Parliament in the fine State of Queensland. He had a Government car with a driver for when he’d be required to drink. That was a lot. He had a massive pay increase and enough self generated PR to convince the general public that he had a clue and was doing a fine job.
Sadly, his past minor events caught up with him. Caught up in a big way. He was arrested and charged with a number of serious matters that hadn’t appeared in the Queensland courts for some years. The laws were still on the books, but had never been applied with such relish. He was forced to resign and had to give up the trappings of power that he’d managed to wangle for himself.
This poor fellow was left to return to being a bouncer in cougar pick up club and to dream up the next cushy job that would save him from all the unwanted attention. Being a good talker was normally a good thing, but the club patrons took his easy going manner as a green light. His light was definitely red. Sadly he spend all his time turning people down, instead of letting them down by being their member of parliament.
Remember, if you’re going to mislead the public, make sure you have a spotless background, no life, no misadventures, no scruples, an ambiguous moral compass and claim to be ridiculously conservative to all people. Make sure you’ve had no events at all, as some people may construe your version of minor very differently.